10. Pretending they got laid
9. Sporting events (except hockey)
8. The Fast/Furious action film series
7. Where to find the best burrito in town
6. Filthy kix
5. Barrel-aged alcoholic beverages
4. The recent downturn in the economy
3. Polish sausage bratwurst
2. How they are starting to kind of like Drake a little
1. Yahoo fantasy sports expert Brandon Funsten
Friday, May 1, 2015
Top Ten Basketball Moves
10. Bounce it off your man's forehead and when he falls down, pause the game because someone is injured.
9. Behind the back dribble, then back between your legs. If your man hasn't fallen down, just shoot it really quick. Don't worry about whether it goes in.
8. Hook shot over the tallest guy on the court. If it goes in, do the reverse psychology Mutumbo finger wag. If it doesn't go in, don't worry - that was a really hard shot! The other guys should respect you just for trying.
7. Put the ball under your shirt and then punch it with your elbow. It should go all the way around your midsection and back to the front, especially if you're wearing a loose shirt.
6. Jab Step. If you do enough of these, your guy may get bored and let you go past him.
5. While you're playing defense, yell for the guy with the ball to pass it to you. Sometimes it works. Prepare to be disliked for being "that guy."
4. A good hard cut when your man's head is turned almost always results in a layup.
3. Tap your man on the shoulder while he's trying to box you out, and when he turns around, go get that rebound!
2. Drive baseline, then pretend to turn around back towards the middle but spin baseline again like Michael Jordan did right before he dunked on Patrick Ewing. That was such a sick dunk. Usually when I try this move it doesn't work that well because I'm not as fleet of foot as Michael Jordan, and I also can't dunk, let alone on an all-star center. But you should feel free to try!
1. A good clean pump fake. Get him out of his shoes and go past him - or just take a dribble and shoot! Even if you miss, the guys on the sideline will whistle, like, "wow look at that guy's fundamentals. His dad must have coached him in middle school." But it'll probably go in, because you're good at basketball! Unless you're playing outdoors on double rims. Those things are notoriously rigid.
9. Behind the back dribble, then back between your legs. If your man hasn't fallen down, just shoot it really quick. Don't worry about whether it goes in.
8. Hook shot over the tallest guy on the court. If it goes in, do the reverse psychology Mutumbo finger wag. If it doesn't go in, don't worry - that was a really hard shot! The other guys should respect you just for trying.
7. Put the ball under your shirt and then punch it with your elbow. It should go all the way around your midsection and back to the front, especially if you're wearing a loose shirt.
6. Jab Step. If you do enough of these, your guy may get bored and let you go past him.
5. While you're playing defense, yell for the guy with the ball to pass it to you. Sometimes it works. Prepare to be disliked for being "that guy."
4. A good hard cut when your man's head is turned almost always results in a layup.
3. Tap your man on the shoulder while he's trying to box you out, and when he turns around, go get that rebound!
2. Drive baseline, then pretend to turn around back towards the middle but spin baseline again like Michael Jordan did right before he dunked on Patrick Ewing. That was such a sick dunk. Usually when I try this move it doesn't work that well because I'm not as fleet of foot as Michael Jordan, and I also can't dunk, let alone on an all-star center. But you should feel free to try!
1. A good clean pump fake. Get him out of his shoes and go past him - or just take a dribble and shoot! Even if you miss, the guys on the sideline will whistle, like, "wow look at that guy's fundamentals. His dad must have coached him in middle school." But it'll probably go in, because you're good at basketball! Unless you're playing outdoors on double rims. Those things are notoriously rigid.
Top Ten Actors Who Suck
10. Robert Downey Jr. (he is pretty good in a few things like Tropic Thunder but mostly he's just really manic and arrogant and I hate when he has a goatee)
9. Katherine Heigl (new rule: any role Katherine Heigl is being considered for automatically goes to Kristen Wiig)
8. David Schwimmer (Ross from Friends will haunt me until the day I die. Maybe he's a subversive genius)
7. Vince Vaughn (proof that charisma will only get you so far, especially when you lean on know-it-all-ness as a "facet" to every role)
6. Tom Cruise (just kidding Tom Cruise is f*cking awesome onscreen who cares if he's batsh!t crazy)
5. Harrison Ford (he's in tons of good movies but when is he ever actually playing a character? I'm sure he's really handsome or whatever so he gets a free pass but just because you can turn your mouth sideways in sort of a bemused half-smile doesn't make you a great actor)
4. Sean Penn (pursed lips + bursts of anger = trying too hard. His best role was his first as Spicoli. It's all been downhill from there)
3. Christoph Waltz (loljk)
2. Nicholas Cage (HAHA GOT YOU AGAIN NICHOLAS CAGE IS AWESOME)
1. Helen Mirren (what a terrible "excuse" for an actress JUST KIDDING HELEN MIRREN IS PROBABLY MORE AWESOME THAN ANY OTHER ACTOR)
Honorable Mention: Keanu Reeves: at least he knows what he's capable of. In fact I'm down with Keanu.
9. Katherine Heigl (new rule: any role Katherine Heigl is being considered for automatically goes to Kristen Wiig)
8. David Schwimmer (Ross from Friends will haunt me until the day I die. Maybe he's a subversive genius)
7. Vince Vaughn (proof that charisma will only get you so far, especially when you lean on know-it-all-ness as a "facet" to every role)
6. Tom Cruise (just kidding Tom Cruise is f*cking awesome onscreen who cares if he's batsh!t crazy)
5. Harrison Ford (he's in tons of good movies but when is he ever actually playing a character? I'm sure he's really handsome or whatever so he gets a free pass but just because you can turn your mouth sideways in sort of a bemused half-smile doesn't make you a great actor)
4. Sean Penn (pursed lips + bursts of anger = trying too hard. His best role was his first as Spicoli. It's all been downhill from there)
3. Christoph Waltz (loljk)
2. Nicholas Cage (HAHA GOT YOU AGAIN NICHOLAS CAGE IS AWESOME)
1. Helen Mirren (what a terrible "excuse" for an actress JUST KIDDING HELEN MIRREN IS PROBABLY MORE AWESOME THAN ANY OTHER ACTOR)
Honorable Mention: Keanu Reeves: at least he knows what he's capable of. In fact I'm down with Keanu.
Top Ten Things That Suck
10. Stubbing your toe
9. The Eminem song "Fack"
8. Losing the Super Bowl
7. Inhaling exhaust while biking
6. The fact that the Mariners probably are going to be shitty again
5. When your donkey collapses from exhaustion when you're in the middle of the desert
4. Totes being stoked for something and then it doesn't happen and it's such a bummer
3. People who walk side by side slowly down the sidewalk
2. "Two and a Half Men" (I haven't even really seen it, but I dare you to tell me I'm wrong)
1. Limp biscuits
9. The Eminem song "Fack"
8. Losing the Super Bowl
7. Inhaling exhaust while biking
6. The fact that the Mariners probably are going to be shitty again
5. When your donkey collapses from exhaustion when you're in the middle of the desert
4. Totes being stoked for something and then it doesn't happen and it's such a bummer
3. People who walk side by side slowly down the sidewalk
2. "Two and a Half Men" (I haven't even really seen it, but I dare you to tell me I'm wrong)
1. Limp biscuits
Top Ten Days of Tom's Life
10. The day in the future when my firstborn is born
9. Birth (o atmosphere I am mad for you to be in contact with me!)
8. Any number of marvelous days in the mountains
7. Today (why not - it was pretty decent overall. I went and saw Othello with Dad, and Desdemona got naked! Str8 up. no lie. 'Twas a shocker, to be sure - my jaw dropped almost as far as my wiener leapt)
6. The day I dunked at Eastside Catholic
5. Every time I've been to Houlton Farms Dairy twice in one day
4. Pretty killer surprise 30th birthday
3. One or two (or three) particularly memorable m*shr**m trips
2. My first Halofest - played thirteen hours straight
1. March 25th, 2011
9. Birth (o atmosphere I am mad for you to be in contact with me!)
8. Any number of marvelous days in the mountains
7. Today (why not - it was pretty decent overall. I went and saw Othello with Dad, and Desdemona got naked! Str8 up. no lie. 'Twas a shocker, to be sure - my jaw dropped almost as far as my wiener leapt)
6. The day I dunked at Eastside Catholic
5. Every time I've been to Houlton Farms Dairy twice in one day
4. Pretty killer surprise 30th birthday
3. One or two (or three) particularly memorable m*shr**m trips
2. My first Halofest - played thirteen hours straight
1. March 25th, 2011
Top Ten Professional Athlete Names
10. Dontonio Wingfield
9. Rougned Odor
8. Lafayette "Fat" Lever
7. Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix
6. Shaquille O'Neal
5. Kaka
4. God Shammgod
3. Dick Penison*
2. Harold "Harry" Butslaiv*
1. Letitia "Tooshie" Gooshiebooshie*
*unconfirmed
9. Rougned Odor
8. Lafayette "Fat" Lever
7. Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix
6. Shaquille O'Neal
5. Kaka
4. God Shammgod
3. Dick Penison*
2. Harold "Harry" Butslaiv*
1. Letitia "Tooshie" Gooshiebooshie*
*unconfirmed
Top Ten Ways To Say "F#$% Off"
10. "Why don't you shove it up your a$$?"
9. "What's that on your face? O nevermind it's your eyebalz!"
8. "I would say 'talk to the hand,' but I really don't want to subject any appendage of mine to your b*llshit."
7. "I swear to god if I had a blunderbuss I would use it on you, f*ckstick."
6. "If I wanted to smell d***rhea I would have slept in a Honey Bucket. Leave me alone."
5. "I swear to god I saw you on TV. O nevermind that wasn't you it was someone who is charismatic enough to be featured on broadcast television. You are not charismatic enough to even talk to for one second, let alone be on Dr. Phil or even Maury. Goodbye."
4. "My gosh! I haven't seen you since the last time I attempted to never see you again."
3. "O, thanks for asking! I really enjoy talking to you hashtag sarcasm."
2. (screaming at the top of your lungs): "HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF THE SILENT TREATMENT?!!"
1. "I'm tremendously sorry, sir, but I today I am unfortunately not in the mood to tolerate this pathetic excuse for "interpersonal communication." I request that you write down whatever it was that you had to say, in a language I don't understand, and mail it to an address that is different from mine by at least one digit, preferably more."
9. "What's that on your face? O nevermind it's your eyebalz!"
8. "I would say 'talk to the hand,' but I really don't want to subject any appendage of mine to your b*llshit."
7. "I swear to god if I had a blunderbuss I would use it on you, f*ckstick."
6. "If I wanted to smell d***rhea I would have slept in a Honey Bucket. Leave me alone."
5. "I swear to god I saw you on TV. O nevermind that wasn't you it was someone who is charismatic enough to be featured on broadcast television. You are not charismatic enough to even talk to for one second, let alone be on Dr. Phil or even Maury. Goodbye."
4. "My gosh! I haven't seen you since the last time I attempted to never see you again."
3. "O, thanks for asking! I really enjoy talking to you hashtag sarcasm."
2. (screaming at the top of your lungs): "HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF THE SILENT TREATMENT?!!"
1. "I'm tremendously sorry, sir, but I today I am unfortunately not in the mood to tolerate this pathetic excuse for "interpersonal communication." I request that you write down whatever it was that you had to say, in a language I don't understand, and mail it to an address that is different from mine by at least one digit, preferably more."
Top Ten Self-Help Books Of All Time
10. "My God, You're An Idiot!" by Simon Cowell
9. "I'll Give You a Nickel If You Paint My Fence," by Tom Soyer
8. "Ten Minute Abs," by Jared Subwayman
7. "Treat Yourself - It's Wednesday!" by Humperdinck Daye
6. "You Don't Want Your Life," by James Van Der Beek
5. "Tricep Extensions + Cocoa Butter = Ultimate Hunk Status," by Tyrese Gibson
4. "It's Easy as Pi," by Steve N. Haukeen
3. "Look Under Your Seat Just Kidding Made U Look" by Ohpra Winifred
2. "When Life Gives You Cucumbers, Make a Damn Salad Already!" by Norman Schwarzkopf, Jr.
1. "No Way? Yahweh!" by Jaezis Kryst
9. "I'll Give You a Nickel If You Paint My Fence," by Tom Soyer
8. "Ten Minute Abs," by Jared Subwayman
7. "Treat Yourself - It's Wednesday!" by Humperdinck Daye
6. "You Don't Want Your Life," by James Van Der Beek
5. "Tricep Extensions + Cocoa Butter = Ultimate Hunk Status," by Tyrese Gibson
4. "It's Easy as Pi," by Steve N. Haukeen
3. "Look Under Your Seat Just Kidding Made U Look" by Ohpra Winifred
2. "When Life Gives You Cucumbers, Make a Damn Salad Already!" by Norman Schwarzkopf, Jr.
1. "No Way? Yahweh!" by Jaezis Kryst
Top Ten Things in Boogie Nights
10. Scotty (aka Philip Seymour Hoffman)
9. When Amber says "this is a giant c*ck" (a line that appears to be scripted)
8. "The soundtrack
7. Dirk's "You Got the Touch" disco song
6. When Philip Baker Hall says he likes butter in his ass and lollipops in his mouth
5. Reed's hot tub recitation of his poem about the sugar tree
4. Amber Waves' video tribute to Dirk
3. The "Spanish Pantalones" movie - especially the title credits when Dirk is trying to run on a slanted roof in platform shoes
2. The Asian guy in his underwear who keeps setting off fireworks
1. Dirk's and Reed's conversation when they first meet by the pool
9. When Amber says "this is a giant c*ck" (a line that appears to be scripted)
8. "The soundtrack
7. Dirk's "You Got the Touch" disco song
6. When Philip Baker Hall says he likes butter in his ass and lollipops in his mouth
5. Reed's hot tub recitation of his poem about the sugar tree
4. Amber Waves' video tribute to Dirk
3. The "Spanish Pantalones" movie - especially the title credits when Dirk is trying to run on a slanted roof in platform shoes
2. The Asian guy in his underwear who keeps setting off fireworks
1. Dirk's and Reed's conversation when they first meet by the pool
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)