10. Dontonio Wingfield
9. Rougned Odor
8. Lafayette "Fat" Lever
7. Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix
6. Shaquille O'Neal
5. Kaka
4. God Shammgod
3. Dick Penison*
2. Harold "Harry" Butslaiv*
1. Letitia "Tooshie" Gooshiebooshie*
*unconfirmed
Friday, May 1, 2015
Top Ten Ways To Say "F#$% Off"
10. "Why don't you shove it up your a$$?"
9. "What's that on your face? O nevermind it's your eyebalz!"
8. "I would say 'talk to the hand,' but I really don't want to subject any appendage of mine to your b*llshit."
7. "I swear to god if I had a blunderbuss I would use it on you, f*ckstick."
6. "If I wanted to smell d***rhea I would have slept in a Honey Bucket. Leave me alone."
5. "I swear to god I saw you on TV. O nevermind that wasn't you it was someone who is charismatic enough to be featured on broadcast television. You are not charismatic enough to even talk to for one second, let alone be on Dr. Phil or even Maury. Goodbye."
4. "My gosh! I haven't seen you since the last time I attempted to never see you again."
3. "O, thanks for asking! I really enjoy talking to you hashtag sarcasm."
2. (screaming at the top of your lungs): "HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF THE SILENT TREATMENT?!!"
1. "I'm tremendously sorry, sir, but I today I am unfortunately not in the mood to tolerate this pathetic excuse for "interpersonal communication." I request that you write down whatever it was that you had to say, in a language I don't understand, and mail it to an address that is different from mine by at least one digit, preferably more."
9. "What's that on your face? O nevermind it's your eyebalz!"
8. "I would say 'talk to the hand,' but I really don't want to subject any appendage of mine to your b*llshit."
7. "I swear to god if I had a blunderbuss I would use it on you, f*ckstick."
6. "If I wanted to smell d***rhea I would have slept in a Honey Bucket. Leave me alone."
5. "I swear to god I saw you on TV. O nevermind that wasn't you it was someone who is charismatic enough to be featured on broadcast television. You are not charismatic enough to even talk to for one second, let alone be on Dr. Phil or even Maury. Goodbye."
4. "My gosh! I haven't seen you since the last time I attempted to never see you again."
3. "O, thanks for asking! I really enjoy talking to you hashtag sarcasm."
2. (screaming at the top of your lungs): "HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF THE SILENT TREATMENT?!!"
1. "I'm tremendously sorry, sir, but I today I am unfortunately not in the mood to tolerate this pathetic excuse for "interpersonal communication." I request that you write down whatever it was that you had to say, in a language I don't understand, and mail it to an address that is different from mine by at least one digit, preferably more."
Top Ten Self-Help Books Of All Time
10. "My God, You're An Idiot!" by Simon Cowell
9. "I'll Give You a Nickel If You Paint My Fence," by Tom Soyer
8. "Ten Minute Abs," by Jared Subwayman
7. "Treat Yourself - It's Wednesday!" by Humperdinck Daye
6. "You Don't Want Your Life," by James Van Der Beek
5. "Tricep Extensions + Cocoa Butter = Ultimate Hunk Status," by Tyrese Gibson
4. "It's Easy as Pi," by Steve N. Haukeen
3. "Look Under Your Seat Just Kidding Made U Look" by Ohpra Winifred
2. "When Life Gives You Cucumbers, Make a Damn Salad Already!" by Norman Schwarzkopf, Jr.
1. "No Way? Yahweh!" by Jaezis Kryst
9. "I'll Give You a Nickel If You Paint My Fence," by Tom Soyer
8. "Ten Minute Abs," by Jared Subwayman
7. "Treat Yourself - It's Wednesday!" by Humperdinck Daye
6. "You Don't Want Your Life," by James Van Der Beek
5. "Tricep Extensions + Cocoa Butter = Ultimate Hunk Status," by Tyrese Gibson
4. "It's Easy as Pi," by Steve N. Haukeen
3. "Look Under Your Seat Just Kidding Made U Look" by Ohpra Winifred
2. "When Life Gives You Cucumbers, Make a Damn Salad Already!" by Norman Schwarzkopf, Jr.
1. "No Way? Yahweh!" by Jaezis Kryst
Top Ten Things in Boogie Nights
10. Scotty (aka Philip Seymour Hoffman)
9. When Amber says "this is a giant c*ck" (a line that appears to be scripted)
8. "The soundtrack
7. Dirk's "You Got the Touch" disco song
6. When Philip Baker Hall says he likes butter in his ass and lollipops in his mouth
5. Reed's hot tub recitation of his poem about the sugar tree
4. Amber Waves' video tribute to Dirk
3. The "Spanish Pantalones" movie - especially the title credits when Dirk is trying to run on a slanted roof in platform shoes
2. The Asian guy in his underwear who keeps setting off fireworks
1. Dirk's and Reed's conversation when they first meet by the pool
9. When Amber says "this is a giant c*ck" (a line that appears to be scripted)
8. "The soundtrack
7. Dirk's "You Got the Touch" disco song
6. When Philip Baker Hall says he likes butter in his ass and lollipops in his mouth
5. Reed's hot tub recitation of his poem about the sugar tree
4. Amber Waves' video tribute to Dirk
3. The "Spanish Pantalones" movie - especially the title credits when Dirk is trying to run on a slanted roof in platform shoes
2. The Asian guy in his underwear who keeps setting off fireworks
1. Dirk's and Reed's conversation when they first meet by the pool
Thursday, April 30, 2015
Top Ten Sh*ttiest Car Names
10. Nissan XTerra
9. Dodge Durango
8. Kia Cadenza
7. Hyundai Elantra
6. Toyota Matrix
5. Toyota Yaris
4. Mitsubishi Lancer
3. Mitsubishi Diamante
2. Ford Fiesta
1. Pontiac Vibe
9. Dodge Durango
8. Kia Cadenza
7. Hyundai Elantra
6. Toyota Matrix
5. Toyota Yaris
4. Mitsubishi Lancer
3. Mitsubishi Diamante
2. Ford Fiesta
1. Pontiac Vibe
Friday, April 24, 2015
Top Ten Things To Do While Playing Baseball
10. Scratch the itch downstairs
9. Slap your teammate on the butt because he scored
8. Re-apply eye black in the dugout
7. Say "hey batta batta batta"
6. Spit onto the chain link fence and watch it hang
5. How many double bubbles can you fit in your mouth at once?
4. Tap the edge of the plate with your bat
3. Pick up a small rock and throw it out of the way
2. Visit the mound and talk with your glove over your mouth
1. Say how many outs there are
9. Slap your teammate on the butt because he scored
8. Re-apply eye black in the dugout
7. Say "hey batta batta batta"
6. Spit onto the chain link fence and watch it hang
5. How many double bubbles can you fit in your mouth at once?
4. Tap the edge of the plate with your bat
3. Pick up a small rock and throw it out of the way
2. Visit the mound and talk with your glove over your mouth
1. Say how many outs there are
Top Ten Things To Say While You're Playing Basketball
10. "Make it take it"
9. "Shoot for it"
8. "Check up"
7. "And one!"
6. "Time out!"
5. "Ball don't lie"
4. "Your foot was on the line"
3. "Straight up or win by two?"
2. "I'm open"
1. "My bad"
9. "Shoot for it"
8. "Check up"
7. "And one!"
6. "Time out!"
5. "Ball don't lie"
4. "Your foot was on the line"
3. "Straight up or win by two?"
2. "I'm open"
1. "My bad"
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